Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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