Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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