I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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