Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
