I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
