dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
There r osticjed everywhere
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
