I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
