we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Randomize
