Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
