in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
