be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
