haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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