Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
