I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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