Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
