that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
