either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
