Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
