in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
