I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
