I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
