Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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