I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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