My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
