WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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