I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
