Umm I'm too high to move.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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