I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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