he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
