I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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