I want to walk on stilts...naked
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
