i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
