why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
