Kiss
Puke
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
