OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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