after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
