you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
