He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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