So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
whose ass print is on the piano?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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