He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
