Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
