and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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