nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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