she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
