yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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