birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
