I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
