I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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