your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
