Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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